We catch game companies talking out of their backsides

[brockly]

Every day, our inboxes fill with press releases. Every time we see a new game, someone from the publisher is there to feed us the company line. Whenever there's a big event, someone from the company gets up on stage and spouts bluster to try and convince the audience that everything is going better than is literally possible in our space-time continuum.

Having just endured another E3, we're laden down with more silly quotes than we know what to do with. So we decided to sort the pile and present them for your amusement. Otherwise, nobody would ever read them anyway, right?

On Colin McRae: Dirt

"With slow motion, rewind, multiple camera angles, and more, gamers can now watch any crash repeatedly until their eyes are bleeding tears of joy."

Dirt: the racing game designed for Le Chiffre.

On Alien Syndrome

"Extremely high-quality sci-fi action-RPG gameplay made specifically for the Wii and the PSP (PlayStation Portable) system."

Why read the review? This game is "extremely high-quality." Thanks, Sega, for removing a difficult purchasing decision.

On Rise of the Argonauts

"Further, Jason and the other Argonauts can combine combat tactics, where Hercules might bear hug an enemy from behind while Jason bashes them to a bloody pulp with his mace, for example."

Someone has an awkward and strangely specific imagination.

On Innocent Life: a Futuristic Harvest Moon

"Life is good for the residents of Heartflame Island, especially since new robots and automated machines do almost all of the work. But technology is a tool - not an answer to all problems. Maybe that's why everyone is a little uneasy about the old stories of strange magic and a prediction that Flame Mountain will erupt and destroy everything."

Can't imagine why...

On the acquisition of developer Junction Point

"Our shared visions on creativity, innovation and storytelling will allow us to touch individual players in ways never before possible."

Keep your hands away from us


On MX vs. ATV Untamed

"We’ve taken the core MX vs ATV racing experience and tailored game-play to match the strengths of each individual gaming machine. The Xbox 360 and PS3 versions, Wii and PlayStation 2 system versions, the PSP system version, and the DS version will all deliver unique experiences that capture the franchise’s strengths and maximize the fun gamers have on their system of choice."

Six "unique" versions of the same game. Uh... right.

On Supreme Commander: Forged Alliance

"Warfare on an Epic Scale: Fully realized navies, orbital weaponry and advanced counter intelligence technologies give commanders unprecedented, deadly new capabilities in what is already the most strategic RTS on the market today."

Our strategy game is more strategic than your strategy game. In fact, it's the strategicest!

On Rock Band at the Microsoft press conference

"Let's pump it up to 11."

Microsoft descends into self-parody.



On Call of Duty 4

"We're going deep, and we're going hard."

Ignoring the obvious double entendre, does this actually mean anything?

On Assassin's Creed

"This is a trap."

Stating the obvious.

On Dance Dance Revolution

"Dance Dance Revolution has had a far-reaching impact on our society."

On the global scale, we're thinking it ranks somewhere below lolcats.


On Viva Pinata Party Animals

"Viva Pinata Party Animals will keep your living room buzzing for hours on end."

Like a dryer finishing its cycle... for hours on end.

On Xbox 360

"Xbox 360 is the most powerful video game console on the planet."



"Xbox 360 is the destination for every member of the family."



"This year, Xbox 360 will have the greatest holiday lineup in videogame history."

So, you're doing well. We can't deny it, and in fact enjoy it. Is there any reason to be so pompous about it?

On Midway's holiday lineup

"This is Midway's most diverse and strongest line up yet."

Considering last year was Mortal Kombat and Happy Feet, we're forced to agree.

On Beautiful Katamari

"Marking the debut of Namco’s beloved ball-rolling puzzle game on a next-generation platform, Beautiful Katamari, the fourth installment of the Katamari series, features levels of quirkiness, cosmic animations and musical stylings never seen before."

Thanks to the Xbox 360's Quirk Engine processor, no doubt.

On Europe's PS3 "Starter Pack" bundle

"The choice of first party games available in the Starter Pack will vary to suit the interests of entertainment enthusiasts in each country, but will include million sellers such as Resistance Fall of Man and MotorStorm; titles specifically chosen to demonstrate the stunning graphics and enhanced gameplay of High Definition games on Blu-ray disc."

Note: In the UK, it actually includes Resistance and... Genji.

On the Wii Zapper

"This unit houses both a Wii Remote and a Nunchuk and comes packaged with Nintendo software to show off its applications. Third-party developers have multiple games in the pipeline that will use this dynamic new interface."

Nothing inspires excitement like a vague promise of "Nintendo software." And nothing says "dynamic" like a crappy piece of plastic.

On Windows Vista

"Windows Vista has rapidly been embraced as Microsoft’s best version of Windows ever for gaming."

We decided to ask a well-respected, hardcore PC fan his opinion. Response? "That’s a bunch of bullshit." That's a better quote.